4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
