when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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