I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
