my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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