Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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