my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
