When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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