I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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