i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
