i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
