listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
