Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
