Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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