We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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