Only a mothe r could love this liver
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
