Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
