Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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