he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
