Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
