I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
