I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Send help, water and tortillas.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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