she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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