Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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