he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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