Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
