guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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