it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
