I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
