did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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