I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
