i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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