The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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