Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
