Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
