I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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