I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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