just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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