Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
