He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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