Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
