I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Sorry my hands just texted you
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
