I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
