Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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