Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
