hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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