ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
