brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
