ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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