He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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