the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
