just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
