ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
