I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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