hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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