i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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