oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
