Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I looked at my own cervix.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
