New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
