I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
