I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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