She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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