its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
