Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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