We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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